Bee's Story
I’m a planner. I don’t know about you, but I love the feeling of ticking a ‘to do’ off my list, sticking to a schedule or reorganising a messy cupboard.
I have actually been caught red-handed reorganising kitchen cupboards at my friends’ houses . . . more than once.
I like to know where things go and what’s next on the list. Sometimes I’ll try to convince myself that I am a calm and relaxed person. Nope. That is just not me.
My Story
Ever since I was little I’ve been making plans about what my life would look like. How many pets I would have, career choices (teacher, clown, author, actress, journalist, teacher again . . the list goes on), the important and world-changing things I would achieve.
It was definitely, absolutely not in the plan to get knocked up at uni.
I’d lost all sense of who I was and where I fitted into the world. Every time something went wrong I would make a new plan, running away from my mess . . but this was one plot-twist I couldn’t run from.
This would be my plan now. Everything was off track and I wanted it back on track. So I made a plan to ‘fix’ my mess. I would get married, train as a teacher, squeeze in (or out) another baby, buy a house by the time I was 25, be earning megabucks by 30.
I’ve always held exceptionally high standards, but even this was pushing it.
The truth is, that our plans mean very little in reality. We like to think we are in control of how our life will turn out, but we’re not.
Every time I hit a goal or achieved something, I felt nothing. There was no pride or sense of satisfaction; I moved straight on to focusing on the next big thing.
It was never enough. Nothing made me feel worthwhile or valued. I was working myself into the ground trying to earn the approval, acceptance and love of everyone around me, and while I didn’t realise it at the time, of God too.
When Things Don’t Go To Plan
My plan, of course, didn’t take into account the enormous strain that having 2 kids, moving house 6 times, teacher training and a struggling marriage would take on my body. I didn’t think I was worth anything, so I didn’t take care of my body or my mental health.
It was just over a year after qualifying that I had the first breakdown, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, my marriage ended and the entire plan fell apart.
The truth is, that our plans mean very little in reality. We like to think we are in control of how our life will turn out, but we’re not.
It’s a good thing that God had a plan for me all along.
Where I’m Supposed to Be
I was given a prophetic word recently which said, “God circled this place on the map for you.” He knew where I was supposed to be. Even when I was trying my hardest to take control and go my own way, He was with me.
Jesus brought me out of the darkness and into the light. My story over the last 5 years has been one of compassion, redemption, transformation, provision and revelation.
He led me to Sutton Coldfield, where our family has put down roots for the first time and to a church that feels like home. For the first time, being a mother gives me a feeling of worth and value.
Ultimately though, I now know that my worth is in Jesus. I could talk your ear off about the things God has done in my heart in this last few years but I’ll save those stories for later. I’m unrecognisable from the woman I was when I walked through the doors of my church, weary and broken, 5 years ago.
Now I live by faith. I live in hope. I have been set free from fear and my burden is light.
My battle with perfectionism and to be ‘good enough’ isn’t over.
By God’s grace, I’ve come a long way but I am still learning to ‘be still’ and let God fight for me.
Miraculous Provision
God has provided extravagantly and miraculously, with so many stories I would love to share with you. For now, I’ll just share one.
Ever since I can remember I have struggled with friendships. I didn’t know where it was I fitted in. I struggled with feeling left out, unwanted and feeling ‘unlikable’. Yet God knew that I would need community. So He grew me one.
My eyes are filling up just thinking of the close friends that God has given me over the last few years. I’m even doing this entire He Calls Me project with one of them!
Remember that prophetic word I was given? “God circled this place on the map for you.” Added afterwards was a little note - “And we are so glad you are here!” It’s as though He wanted to remind me that not only am I where I am supposed to be, but that I am loved and accepted here too. What a guy!
A New Creation
I have truly become a new creation. I am not the same person I was and I am so thankful for that.
He took my mess and made it into something beautiful. Now I live with a sense of purpose, contentment, drive and passion that all the planning in the world couldn’t achieve.
