3 helpful questions to ask yourself before saying yes… again
It was once silver and gold. It’s also been land and property. But I believe time is now our most precious commodity.
Demands on our diaries, overflowing opportunities and so many schemes for self-improvement all spiral together as we juggle the busyness of life. “Yep, life is busy”, you nod. “So when exactly have I got time to read yet another post about how little time I have?”
I hear you!
But why not allow yourself a little bit of time to read on for some helpful hints about prioritising your life, guilt free. Using three simple questions, I’ll show you the art of saying no with strength and dignity. I promise that by the end of this you’ll be ready to only say yes to the things that really matter.
Start Saying No
If you’re anything like me the stress of the plate spinning regularly comes to a head, turning me into a sorry sadist who enjoys watching them, slow motion style, fall to the ground.
The investment in the colour-coded calendar didn’t provide the quick fix I was promised. The synced family diaries and the military-precision of our daily timings don’t often lead to a peace-filled, restful head hitting the pillow.
Some days I can muster a prideful “bossing it” hashtag. But most days I crawl into bed, exhausted from the hustle, harbouring a niggling anxiety about having to do it all again tomorrow. When did life become so full? And I don’t mean full in the way I think Jesus did.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10 (NIV)
If we’re pursuing the fullness of life that Jesus is promising then there comes a time when we have to start saying no.
Knowing the time for a firm ‘no’ is crucial in our step toward a Jesus-full life. Many people I know struggle with saying no. And more specifically the struggle is recognising those things which don’t line up with their calling. So I want to help you with some key principles for saying yes to the things that matter. Here are 3 helpful questions to ask yourself when you others ask something of you.
#1 Is this something I am passionate about?
If you haven’t yet worked out what it is you burn with a passion for then I would encourage you today to start dreaming with God. Work out what really matters to you - those fundamentals that you’d ‘die in a ditch’ for is a good place to start.
What is it that your heart burns for? What sets your soul on fire? Write down what it is that gets your heart-pumping and tummy fluttering. Maybe you have a passion for justice. Or you might love administration. Or it could be connecting with others. At your core there will be a driving force that stirs your spirit to next level of excitement.
If what you’re being asked to do isn’t in line with your fundamental passions then it’s probably a good sign you need to say no to what is being asked of you.
Having a set of core values is revolutionary. Companies and businesses do this. Churches and charities would be lost without them too.
What are your 5 key core values? That’s not to say you won't have more, or that they can’t evolve over time. But having a clear idea of what (and who!) you are living for is a great framework to base your decisions on. It could be that mercy is what you love to demonstrate. Will your next yes display those values to others? Perhaps you have a passion for music. Is what you’re being asked to do in line with the values that you hold dear? Prioritise crafting your own vision statement so that you have clarity about what matters most to you and where you want to be giving your time.
How many of your yeses come from a place of 'should dos'?
#2 Why am I saying yes?
Sure it’s good to plug a gap and serve others when it costs us something. After all that’s part of being in wider community, pitching in and helping out even if it’s uncomfortable. But how many of your yeses come from a place of ‘should dos’?
Filling in is only sustainable for a limited time before it drains the life from you. Before you realise, you’re dutifully being the people pleasing yes-girl who’s exhausted from giving out of duty rather than passion-fuelled energy. Does your yes align with your dreams and passions? Will this yes serve as a stepping stone toward achieving your goal?
If the answer is no, you need to rethink your yes.
Having the confidence to stand firmly in your identity as a beloved child of the King of Kings will help root out any fear or guilt that might precede another unnecessary yes.
If you’re saying yes to honour Him, to pursue the dreams He’s put in your heart, to ultimately bring the Kingdom then go for it! If it’s a yes to make others happy, or because you fear what they’ll think if you say no then I’d suggest your time would be better spent in the presence of our loving Father, for Him to gently remind you where your affirmation comes from and your precious value.
#3 Do I really have the time to give?
Perhaps it’s more an issue of clarity rather than of time.
It feels as though most of our world now subscribes to the idea that 24 hours in a day is just not enough. How have we become so obsessed with our own hurry and production that we’ve turned the gift of time into an idol?
Right at the beginning, we see God model how to rest well. “Evening passed and morning came” is the pattern of creation. God’s day starts with rest. The evening is our time to just ‘be’.
When we are secure and living from a place of oneness with God then we will be able to lay down the striving to complete ourselves in other ways. We won't need to say yes to everything in order to know we’re loved. Whether it’s through FOMO (totally a legit feeling though, am I right?!) or because you’re desperate for people to approve/accept/adore - delete as appropriate - we must return to the garden.
Remember that working, serving and living from a place of our sonship and daughterhood, is the only ‘yes’ we need to embrace. Of course the dreams and desires in your heart have been sown and how we spend our time will directly impact our ability to see those become reality.
Answer with strength and dignity about how and where you will spend your time.
I’ve found that blocking out chunks of rest and family time has been a helpful way to prioritise the reset. It sounds counter-intuitive to diarise time this way but being intentional about what matters most is a helpful way to stay focused in a world where distraction is a minute by minute battle.
Would I like to be added to another rota, or write another guest post? Possibly. Do I have time to do it well and not just squeeze the request into a limited space? Maybe. Will the addition of an extra pressure help my soul feel rested and peaceful? Probably not.
And as with anything there is certainly room to cause offence and/or be offended. If I do not give my time then I’m communicating that something else is more important. And the bottom line is that is true. So the conviction about your core values needs to be strong.
Will you be able to answer with strength and dignity about how and where you spend your time?
So be careful how you live. Don't live like fools, but like those who are wise.
Make the best use of your time in these evil days.
Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.
Ephesians 5:15-17 (NLT/ESV)
Time for a Reality Check
All that said I’m sorry to burst your bubble my friend! The reality is not everyday of your life is going to look like a fun, firework flare diving head first into your destiny. There will be slog. There will be grit. And there will be drudgery and duty.
But what I can promise you is this: practising the art of saying no well, in love and with strength, you will be able to reclaim some of that most precious commodity. Time will be yours again.
How you use those hours isn’t up to me. It’s totally within your control. Even with a flat tyre and a curveball appointment you still have a choice.
Will you use this time to keep chasing those dreams? Will this see you living out your core values?
Having a 3 step checklist to filter your yes through will be a surefire way to own your time rather than letting it own you.
- Is this something I am passionate about?
- Why am I saying yes?
- Do I really have time to give?
If you intentionally choose to fill each moment in step with Holy Spirit, the one holding the bigger picture, then those deep longings in your heart will start to become reality as the Kingdom is released around you.
It’s time to stop worrying about the opinions of others. It’s time to stop filling in your time with extras. Stop feeling guilty. Now is a time for confident living as you live out your passion and calling. What are you waiting for, powerful Kingdom-bringer? Start saying yes to the things that really matter!
Looking for your next steps?
